I believe it was Mark Twain who once famously said “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” It was one of my mom’s favorite quotes and she introduced me to it from early on, always encouraging me to dedicate my life to my passion.
On the other hand my father started feeding me the idea to be an independent worker ever since I can remember. “Don’t become an employee, be your own boss!”, he would say (although when I finally did it he magically changed his mind about it, but that’s a topic for another time).
These concepts were so ingrained in my mind and in my heart that from a very early age I decided what I wanted to be and focused all my efforts into becoming just that: A freelance illustrator.
Spoiler: I did.
Living The Life
Following the well-known trope of the “starving artist” I can confirm it took a while, but eventually I found my tribe. I built a community and managed to grow an audience who was always eager to see my creations. I accomplished what most creatives dream of: Living off of your original work without relying on commissioned work.
I always considered myself really fortunate for having my work be my passion, for having a group of people who were interested in whatever I put out (always with my best effort because perfectionism!) and for managing to stay relevant in their lives despite not following trends and doing my own thing. I was living my dream life.
I took great pride in the fact that I knew my audience well, and used this to my advantage on the rare occasions I offered custom designs. These designs came with a hefty price tag that people were happy to pay because they knew they would get exactly what they wanted.
By the time this became my full-time job I had already been doing it for 3 years. I managed to maintain a healthy balance between work and passion for about 4 more years, even with money involved. The joy I experienced from connecting with my community and sending my little brain children out into the world outweighed any concern about my earnings. In simple terms, I was making a comfortable amount that suited my minimalist lifestyle.
That was until one day, as it usually does, life took a turn and things were given a violent shove into “being about the money”. I went into a “I need this to sell” mindset and put my deep understanding of my audience to good use. That was the moment that I started creating for others instead of me and I told myself it was only temporary, or so I thought.
Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t compromise my quality, but I limited myself to designing the things I knew were most popular at the time, putting restraints on my own creativity. Unbeknown to me, this awakened the people-pleaser that had been lurking inside of me and that today, even 3 years later, I’m still fighting to put back to sleep.
The Downfall
I unintentionally started putting pressure on myself to design a certain way and repressed my own preferences, confining myself into a smaller and smaller box every time. When I finally noticed what was going on I wanted to reverse it, but it was already too late. I had effectively crippled my ability for creative thinking. I had killed my imagination.
Scared and desperate, I tried my best to undo the damage but I only made it worse. I inevitably entered a cycle of trying to do my own thing, failing, resorting to people-pleasing because I needed money, feeling guilty about it and failing again. Nothing was working.
After months of trying to overcome this and falling into a pit of stress, frustration and depression I took the difficult decision to just…give up. I told my community I needed a break and went on hiatus. I had become the thing I hated: An second-rate creator who made subpar rehashes instead of making the effort to publish fresh, original and creative ideas.
Was it worth it?
In hindsight, I didn’t need to do any of it. There was no need to betray myself and my talent, nor any need to change my style. Designing what I thought others wanted didn’t make my products sell any faster or get a wider reach. It made no difference at all. So why did I do it…?
This question troubled me for a long time but now I know the answer: It was just faster. I needed to produce designs fast and being unoriginal is always easier than being original. Copying what others are doing is easier than creating a well-thought, polished piece.
Being mediocre is always easier and nowadays, in the era of micro-content where people get praised for making a 1 minute video that is the exact copy of someone else’s 1 minute video it’s normal to simply be, well….run-of-the-mill.
Now, don’t get me wrong, being average is okay as long as you’re not abandoning your own principles. Being extraordinary has nothing to do with the amount of people who follow you. It’s about your willingness to go above and beyond, it’s about what other people see in you but most importantly, what you see in yourself. It’s about being brave enough to show what makes you unique.
I Messed Up Big Time
What I originally planned to be a 3 month hiatus turned into 6 months and then into one year. I made several attempts to get the creative juices flowing again but they all ended in failure, and eventually my savings ran out so I had to look for another job.
The monster of people-pleasing triggered a chain-reaction in me that steamrolled through my entire wellbeing and made me feel inadequate in my own craft, finally making me quit my job and essentially ruining my life’s dream.
Three years later I still haven’t recovered from this or returned to drawing, although it is truly what I want the most. I’ve been taking it really slow, one tiny step at a time. My creativity is in there somewhere but there’s a mental block I can’t seem to overcome yet so I started by looking for other creative outlets such as photography, podcasting and yep, writing.
Now that art is no longer my full-time job I can try to look at it as a mere hobby again. Without the self-imposed pressure to have to make it good enough to sell, my next goal is to get to a place where I can enjoy it once more and do it peacefully.
So who do you write for?
After this litany you must be thinking: “Han, what does any of this have to do with writing?!” Well, if you go back and replace every time I said “designing” with “writing” you’ll see it has everything to do with it. After all, I’m nothing but a designer who’s playing “writer” these days.
Ask yourself: Do you write about X or Y topic because it actually interests you or just because it’s trending? Are you writing to let your voice be heard or just to tell people what they want to hear? Are you going to censor yourself for fear that a few people might get offended and unfollow you?
From experience I can tell you that catering too much to others, especially for a prolonged amount of time, will ultimately result in you feeling like your own ideas, opinions and even your whole essence are insufficient. You will feel like you’re out of place in a space that you created yourself. You will feel unsafe in your own home.
Whether you act for yourself or for others, understand that both choices, while valid, involve some sacrifice. Regardless of your choice, you will face judgment, so you might as well be sure and put your best foot forward.
Remember that our imagination is like a muscle: If you don’t use it, you lose it. So…use it! Not everybody has it in them to be creative or inspired so don’t let it go to waste. Don’t let your imagination die.
Good read, thanks!